How We Toilet Trained Our Non-Verbal Son — Slowly, and Without Pushing

My son Rocco is eight years old. He's autistic and non-verbal.

Right now, the only time he wears a nappy is at night. And honestly? We haven't even started on that part yet. That's the last thing left to do — and it'll come, the same slow way everything else did.

I wanted to write this because toilet training a non-verbal child looks nothing like the books. Nobody really tells you that. So here's how it actually went for us — no magic, no clever programme. Just years of small steps.

You Don't Even Notice At First

When you've got so much else going on with your child, toilet training becomes an afterthought. There's therapy, there's school, there's a hundred other things. It just isn't the thing you're thinking about.

And because you're so present in it, you don't really clock that your child might be older than usual for this. You're not comparing. You're just living it day to day.

Then one day you realise — okay, he's four, he's five. Maybe we need to start thinking about this now.

Our One Rule: Never Push

From the very beginning, our whole approach was laid back. Never force it. Never pressure him. Just encourage, and build the language.

One thing that worked in our favour early on: Rocco always knew when he was going. We could tell. So we knew the awareness was there — he just didn't yet connect it to the toilet. That gave us hope.

It Started With Him Peeing in the Pool

This is true, and at the time it was hilarious to everyone.

We had a pool at the house we lived in then. Rocco would climb out, stand on the edge, and just pee straight into the pool. It became a habit. And instead of stopping it, we used it.

Every single time he did it, we'd say the same word. For us it was "wee-wee." Over and over, building the association. We weren't forcing him to use a bathroom — we were just happy he wasn't going in his nappy, and we kept feeding him that language.

Then we started bringing him into the bathroom and saying the same word. "Wee-wee." And for a long, long time — nothing. He still wouldn't go in there.

And Then One Day, He Just Did

Like so much with Rocco, it didn't happen on a schedule. We kept taking him to the bathroom and saying the word. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

And then one day, he did a wee in the toilet.

We made an enormous deal of it. When your child is non-verbal, they really need to understand when something is a good thing. So we celebrated like he'd won the lottery — because to us, he had.

But here's the honest part: one wee in the toilet didn't mean every wee after that was too. That's not how it worked. It just meant the door was open.

The Long, Slow Handover

After that, it was on us. Every time — after meals, before we went anywhere — we'd take him to the bathroom. For a long while it ran entirely on our cue. If we didn't take him, he stayed in the nappy.

Then he started school. And after about half a year, we decided it was time for the next big step: take the nappies away during the day. Just remove them, and manage it between us and the school.

I'll be honest — there were barely any accidents. Hardly any at all. We'd take him before we left the house, the school had their own bathroom times, and slowly it became routine.

And then, gradually, the thing you hope for just happened. He started going himself. He'd take himself to the bathroom for a wee when he needed to, no prompt needed.

The Other Side of It Took Longer

That covered wees. The other side of toilet training took a lot longer, and I'll talk about it gently.

For a long time, Rocco did his number twos in his room. And it's really only the last year that we've slowly started moving that to the bathroom too.

The hard part is timing. When your child is non-verbal, they can't tell you it's coming. And he'd been doing it a certain way for so long. So it was the same slow approach as the wee-wee — some in the bathroom, some not, over a long stretch of time.

One thing I'll say: he never once had an accident with it. Never at school, never out. He was always aware, always at home. And slowly, the same way as everything else, it moved to where it needed to be.

Where We Are Now

He's just turned eight. He goes to the bathroom himself for everything he needs. The only thing left is the night-time nappy — and we'll get to that the same slow, steady way.

We never stressed about it. We never pushed him. We never tried to force any of it. It was a slow, gradual thing over years, with a huge amount of encouragement at every single small win.

If You're Where We Were

I know it's easier said than done. We were lucky in some ways, and every child is different. But if I could say one thing to a parent who feels like this is never going to happen, it's this:

Look for small progress, over long periods of time. Not days — months. As long as you're moving in the right direction, you're doing it. Celebrate every tiny win like it's enormous, because to your child, it is.

And take the pressure off yourself. The pressure doesn't help them, and it doesn't help you.

If you'd like some support with this, an occupational therapist or a continence nurse can be a real help for some families — it's a recognised part of what they do. We did it ourselves with patience and a lot of repetition, but you don't have to do it alone if you'd rather not.

Rocco's eight, and other than night-time, he's brilliant at it. It took years. And it came.